My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
