I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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