Who wears a wallet chain?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
