Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.