I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Terrible idea I love it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
