even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
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dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."