Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
