Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
