fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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