My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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