Kiss
Puke
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
PANTIES FOUND
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