I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Life is so much better after having sex.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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