Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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