its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
