I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you win again, gameday.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
