if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
