Your face is a jimmy john
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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