my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You are a genius and a whore.
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