People in love make me want to vomit
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
