I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
