I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
