i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
