When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
