I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
