gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
