Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
