she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
