you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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