Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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