I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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