I need to stop coming to work sober
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
