when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
