It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
