so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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