So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
