sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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