During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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