My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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