There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
