Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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