Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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