I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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