I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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