So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My vagina just clenched in fear
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
