and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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