And the cops told us we were all naked.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
