whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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