well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We need to get me chipped asap
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
