Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
tell me about the eggs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
