There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
