YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
