I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
