Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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