I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
