I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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