In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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