literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
