Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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