woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
